filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
