Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
