apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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