i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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