I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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