he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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