"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
