so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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