just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
