thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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