There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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