There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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