There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
