I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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