It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
