she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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