I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
