sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I need water and some morals
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
