I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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