Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
