Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
