just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
