John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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