Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
