I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
