Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
