So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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