Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
