I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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