i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
