I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
