I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
