bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
