I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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