well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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