also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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