Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
