last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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