we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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