If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Princesses don't give blow jobs
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
