She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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