The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
