i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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