I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
