Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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