And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
