Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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