??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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