farters have to be the big spoon...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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