Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My penis needs a shock collar
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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