But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
