i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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