You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
